Sunday, 4 February 2018

Lame Ducks (Or the men I have loved)

I have made some dreadful choices in my life when it comes to men.

I have what my father used to call, 'an attraction for lame ducks'.

I thought I could fix them.

The reason my Dad likes my husband so much, is because he is not a lame duck. Far from it, and he is the first completely selfish choice I made, when it came to men.

I have been out with an agoraphobic, claustrophobic with anxiety issues, an alcoholic, a narcissist (I am not joking, this man could not walk past a mirror) and a man with quite severe anger issues amongst other things.

Unsurprisingly, I didn't manage to fix one of them.

And the last one, the man with anger issues, was my husbands friend, so when Anger Issues and I split up, and I ended up with my husband, things did not go well, he made our lives quite challenging for about two years after we split up. Our lives turned into a bit of a soap opera.

I look back now and think, gosh, I wasted time alot of my time on men that were really bad for me, and in fact, men who were better off without me as I pandered to their needs. Once I was gone, they mostly managed better and improved (this does not include anger issues, he was a whole different thing).

However, I don't regret a single one of them. They led me on a path that brought me to here, happily married with kids.
My husband, kids and I at my 50th birthday party.

And I learnt things, I learnt how to be strong and independent. I learnt to be resilient. I am definitely a case of learning from my mistakes.

I do hope my daughters avoid this, because it has left me, on occassion, in fairly treacherous situations, particularly with Anger Issues and I would hate that for them. I wouldn't want their lives put at risk because of a partner (whether they be male or female).

With Anger Issues, I spent over four years with him, I bought a house with him, and he slowly eroded my confidence and withdrew me from my family and friends.

Initially it was verbal violence, then it became physical. Not a lot at first, just shoves and pushes.

Just after we split up and he was still in our home, we were having a normal conversation when suddenly he was on top of me holding my neck.

It is funny how time slows when you think you are about to die, I remember looking up at him and thinking how sad he was, seeing all that anger in his face and not knowing what to do with it except attack me, I was almost calm. It was very odd.

When I went to the police they knew he was left handed by the the marks on my throat. I ended up not reporting him, as I thought it would just make a bad situation worse.

I was wrong, he went on to be verbally abusive to my parents, my future husbands parents and our friends. He made life very difficult for a very long time. It finally stopped when we bought a home together and made sure we weren't findable via the internet or any other way.

I should have reported him as I fear he will have done the same to other women.

This relationship affected me mentally as well as physically and my husband, being the good man that he is, patiently helped me to restore my confidence. I also needed counselling which helped as well.

All this happened nearly 20 years ago now and I have been happily married for the last 16 and a half years, so my selfish decision to choose a man that didn't have issues, and definitely didn't need fixing worked out brilliantly.

So if you are out there now, looking for love, don't fall for the charmer who throws you a compliment and then takes it back with a little snide comment that he only says in front of you. Or the man who needs help to get his shopping, or wants you to buy him whiskey. Or never has any money of his own. Don't fall for any of that. Just choose the man (or woman) that makes you happy, all the time, who doesn't leave you second guessing yourself. That person, is the person who loves and respects you. They are the one.

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